And so, my dear friends, I wish to offer you some advice. Please take this suggestion to heart, so that you may never find yourself in the situation I faced.
Here's what happened:
- At 3pm the other day I woke Soren up for his nap like I always do. We wandered down stairs and as I always do, I asked him to go potty. He said no.
- At 3:10, I asked him to try before we went out for carpool. He refused. Idiot that I was, I didn't force the issue.
- At 3:15 we were all strapped into our seats and pulled out of the driveway to pick up Xavier.
- At 3:25 we entered the school yard and pulled into the carpool lane.
- At 3:26 eight more cars pulled up behind us, essentially locking us into place.
- At 3:28 I hear a tiny voice in the back seat call out "Mom? Pee." I look around the car for something in case of emergency, but I had recently cleaned out the van. I turned around to Soren and told him he would have to wait.
- At 3:30 I heard a voice, a little more insistent: "Mom? PEE!"
- "Dude" I say, "I asked you to go potty before we left! There are no potties here and I have nothing for you to pee in. You're gonna have to hold it."
And despite the fact I had already searched the car, I popped out of my seat and started searching more frantically. There has got to be something, anything I can use! How many times have I bitched about having so much trash and cups in the car, and here I was, the ONE time my car is spotless and I need that trash more than ever. I have nothing to use, no cups, no bottles, no....wait a minute. I slowly turn my head towards the front of the car, aware that in my peripheral vision Soren is starting to do the potty dance more vigorously as he chants the word pee louder and louder. I tune him out for a moment, formulating a plan. Because I have one thing that might work. It's a desperate plan, but this is a desperate moment. There is no place for him to pee outside. It's all fields and 50 cars lined up with other moms and dads and little kids and I can't let him pee on the school road but maybe I could use......
That's my portable trash container I keep on my shift. I have no clue if it's, umm, "water" proof, but I do have a bunch of napkins in my glove compartment. I wonder if I can stuff those in to absorb as much liquid as possible.
I whisk it off the shift handle and rip open my glove compartment, grabbing fistfuls of napkins while Soren starts to wail. I shove the napkins in, race to unbuckle my boy and start praying to anyone who cares to listen that the lady who takes down our carpool numbers does not show up for another 5 minutes. Because I just don't want to explain this scene.
Pulling down Soren's pants, I open the lid and shove it under him just in time as he explodes. He pees for a good 60 seconds. After his torrent trickles down, the two of us heave a giant sigh of relief. I clean him up, check for leakage, and pull out the baby wipes to grab any misfires. We survived. I buckle him back in, and tell him that next time he WILL go potty at home or he will be grounded until he's 32. He nods.
I sit back down in my seat when I realize that it's a little fragrant in the car now. I open the windows and pull out my portable Febreeze (love that stuff) and start spraying the shit out of my portable container. And then we spent the next ten minutes in carpool, trying to ignore the mixed scents of urine and lavender, hoping my trash container would not leak.
So folks, take this story to heart, and learn from my mistakes. The next time you want to moan about your trashed vehicle because of your kids, instead, think of me, and thank your lucky stars you have a trashed vehicle. Because one day you may be thankful. And always, always, bring a container with you that has a lid. You just might find yourself needing it one day.
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First published: www.suburbanrebelmom.com on Feb 25,2012